Every day I contemplate leaving the house in search of toilet paper (even though we have plenty at the moment) and I think to myself: am I becoming the hoarder I criticize, those succumbing to their own paranoia that is causing them to irrationally snatch up every last plastic-wrapped pack from store shelves? Or, am I the “reactionary” hoarder who is concerned that the former cohort is causing me to mimic their behavior simply because I am afraid they will snap it all up and the rest of us who are not paranoid are going to be out of luck and out of toilet paper due to the irrational behavior of hoarders?
Do people have spare guest rooms they are filling with toilet paper? I wonder. Under beds, in closets? Do I really have to get up two hours before a store opens and wait in a Black-Friday-like line of masked and gloved people standing six feet apart (and freaking out if you sneeze or cough) so I can buy one pack of toilet paper? If I order it online, must I wait one month to get delivery? Venting… and being rhetorical. I know the answers.
If everyone just continued their normal shopping habits, wouldn’t there be enough toilet paper, rubbing alcohol, hand sanitizer, paper towels, and flour for everyone? What is going to be unavailable next? And when this is over, will we ever look at toilet paper the same way? For me, I think I am going to buy an extra pack every time I go to the store— from now on—so that I have months upon months of toilet paper and therefore will never run out.
And why? It’s not a big deal? Come on, let’s be reasonable.
Before the advent of modern toilet paper in 1857 by Joe, many different materials were used depending on the country, weather conditions, social customs, and status. People used leaves, grass, ferns, corn cobs (this one I don’t get, it seems un-intuitive, painful and who came up with this?) fruit skins, seashells (what?!), stone, sand (seriously a mess), moss, snow and water, and a left hand.
The point being, fast forward to 2020, there are better alternatives should we run out of toilet paper. We can get through this, it’s not the end of the world if we run out. But should the worst happen and you are facing your last roll, let’s break this down. I present to you alternatives for toilet paper in the order of most pleasant to the most egregious:
- Tissue (doesn’t break down like its kissing cousin TP, so flushing them is a risk, better to place in bag and toss)
- Paper towels or paper napkins (no, no, no! don’t flush these, place them in a bag and toss)
- Paper (wet) wipes (obviously don’t flush unless it says on package that they are safe to flush)
- Old newspaper pages (okay, officially getting desperate at this point)
- Yellow pages (yeah, right, good luck on that one), but if you happen to have one sitting around from the 1970s, don’t toss unless you have your plumber as a contact in your phone
- Wash cloth (wipe, place in bucket of soapy water with lid, wash and reuse)
And, I think we have a winner with the wash cloth. Think of the trees we could save! Right? Would this really be that bad? We can do this if we have to. Think cloth diapers, that was not that long ago.
There are 10,000 ways this could all be worse. If having no toilet paper is the worst you got going, thank your lucky stars.
—SBM
Single Busy Mommy 